accounts are open

It’s finally been done. Kidsis came to town and we met with Bigsis and opened not one, not two but THREE accounts for her (an ISA, a regular low interest savings and a cashcard account.

It means she can;t pay with her card, she can only withdraw money. For the moment, Bigsis and I will have full access and control of the savings accounts (where the bulk of her money will be held) and can transfer a monthly living allowance into the cash account.

kidsis is relieved to have that cheque out of her hands and into an account and this is going to be a fresh start for her. I am so relieved but we’ll see how things go with this.  We’ve told her, if she needs access to a large lump sum of money, she need only ring her accountant (me or Bigsis) and we can arrange for it.

This is not a long term solution, but we’re hoping once she gets used to budgeting and monitoring her spending we can give her full access to the whole lot, when she feels ready.

I feel bright and optimistic about this now.

the talk

Bigsis picked me up and we drove the 40 minutes to kidsis’s place. As it happened she wasn’t in, she was down the pub with her boyfriend and his friends. I declined the offer to join them as this was not something to bring up in public.

She came home and I set to making the tea, because frankly I couldn’t quite face her. Bigsis had found the latest bank statement that had arrived before kidsis could hide it. We opened it and checked the final overdrawn figure. It came to £796, which is actually less bad than I had been expecting. At least this means kidsis had reigned in her spending (or the ATM stopped spewing out money) and although this IS overthe overdraft limit,it is only £20 over and that’s manageable.

Anyway, I made the tea and I could hear Bigsis make small talk in the other room. She came intothe kitchen to join me and whispered “I can’t do this. You’ll have to start” so bearing mugs of steaming tea I sat next to kidsis and said:

“I’m actually over here cos there’s something I wanted to talk about with you. See, Bigsis and I think you may be in some kind of financial difficulties and we want to see if we can help.”

kidsis cried a bit and said she felt stupid and foolish and like a kid. She said she wanted one of us to just mail her a banknote every week. She felt she’d lost control.

I think she was relieved to have this in the open. We told her this couldn’t go on like this, that she wasn’t spending her own money and that she’s affecting someone else’s credit rating, but also that we were upset to think of her carrying this debt and guilt around and that we can help her sort it out, help her budget, help her deal with it and help her face mum to tell her what happened.

I think this has been a bit of a shock to her, that money can get out of hand. Hopefully it will have taught her that avoiding checking the bank balance is mistake number one (I always request a receipt when I withdraw money. It’s better you find out you have less than you thought BEFORE you start impulse buying stuff. It might bsound obvious, but you tend to spend less when you have less.)

Anyway, we didn’t gang up on her, she didn’t get too upset, she’s nto been left feeling hopeless. I also feel a whole lot better now that that is out of the way. She’s coming to meet for lunch tomorrow and we’ll be opening a cash only account for her.

didn’t sleep well last night

I blogged about some bad dreams over at 20six, but deep down, it’s all to do with tonight. Bigsis and I are to confront kidsis about this money issue and I’m looking forward to it like its my own beheading.

In fact, the thought makes me sick to my stomach. We are going to have to be firm with her but I don’t want her to feel utterly dejected. She’s going to be going through quite a few nasty emotions that I wish she could be spared, even though I know they’re necessary. She needs to feel the guilt and the shame but I wish she didn’t.

It’s a cliche, but this is going to be a good cop/bad cop routine, I just know it. Not by design, it just exactly fits the personalities of bigsis and me. I’m soft and will be the emotional support and the reminder that despite all of this she is loved, but bigsis is going to have to be bad cop and be tough with her. Bigsis can be brutally direct so she’s suited to this role. Kidsis already thinks of her as the wicked witch (when in truth bigsis is a big softie inside but is less demonstrative). All in all we have to be united and we’re meeting beforehand to discuss how to handle this.

I can’t stand the thought of confronting kidiss, I can’t stand to think how she is going to feel (the guilt, the shame, the humiliation) but this can not be allowed to continue or get worse. We mustn’t gang up on her and I doubt we would but the thought of how kidsis is going to feel scares me.

Actually, most of all, I’m dreading the moment we find out how much she’s overdrawn the account. If it’s more than £750 then we are in serious trouble. It will affect mum’s credit rating and the charged are going to be astronomical and kidsis will be told this.

Apart from telling my husband I was leaving him, this is going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

Uh Oh

I got a phonecall from my Bigsis last night. Apparently our sis (who is a student) is in deep trouble.

let me give you some background information.

Sis has been and is in her final year at uni. During that time, she’s had mobile phone bills she couldn’t pay, rent she couldn’t pay, an overdraft she couldn’t pay and so far, every time, our hard working mother has paid these off for her with assurances that it would never happen again. She’s bailed her out of every financial mess she’s got herself into.

This is not because mum has money. She doesn’t, She’s worked hard all her life and for what? she has no nest egg, a large amount of debt and not exactly a luxurious lifestyle. She moved across the country for a job that pays only ok but it takes her nearer to her mum (my grandmother). She owns a flat but my kidsis’s boyfriend lives there on a peppercorn rent.

Mum herself could not afford the rent she paid on her old place so she’s moved in with own mother to care for her but also to reduce her rent burden. Mum is the most generous, selfless person I know and it hurts me to see my kidsis bleeding her dry (not maliciously, I don’t think there is any malice there, – just through carelessness).

Kidsis ran up such a debt on her own bank account and ignored the letters last year, so that when she went into the bank to withdraw money (the ATM refused to issue any) they cut the card up right in front of her, told her to pay it all back immediately and left, humiliated. Mum paid it off for her (£600) and they closed the account down. This left my kidsis with no bank account and nowhere to deposit any money. So mum gave her an ATM card for her own spare account. It’s just a small account she uses for things like repairs and things) this was to tide kidsis over until she opened her own account.

Well it’s been months and kidsis has been refusing to set foot in a bank and open her own account. I know it’s because of the public humiliation she felt last time, but then again, she’s got an ATM to mum’s account, where is the incentive to open her own?

So Bigsis phoned me last night to say that she and mum had been talking about how upset and depressed kid sis has been lately. She’s been snappy at mum and mum is upset at the snappiness but feeling helpless in the face of kidsis’s depression. A lot of stuff is going wrong at uni and it’s getting her down.

She asked Bigsis whether he had seen any bank statements for this small acount lying about at home (they get sent to mum’s place, although now it’s rented by kidsis’s boyfriend and Bigsis pays £50 a month to keep her things in the spare room there. Bigsis stays there about once a week and just keeps an eye on the place, really)

Well she couldn’t find any bank statements except one from early November. Mum (over the phone) asked her to open it and check the balance. Well it started at early October with £350 in credit and finished in early November at over £450 in debit. Places visited were House of Fraser, Boots, Next, Paypal. ONly five were from supermarkets. The rest were all non-essential stuff. We know Kidsis is an emotional shopper (bored, or depressed and she hits the shops) but we hadn’t realised the scale.

Mum was upset, told bigsis she couldn’t deal with it, not again. Bigsis assured her she and I would take care of it this time. Mum is most upset because kidsis had assured her that she would always check the balance before withdrawing money and would never let it go into overdraft. She promised.

So she was £450 overdrawn early November, Lord know how much it’s overdrawn now! Mum’s overdraft limit on that account is £750. I pray it’s not gone beyond that – but if kidsis has been hiding bank statements and has been too afraid to tell mum, then I think we can guess that it is. Oh lordy.

So Monday, sis and I will be sitting down with kidsis and sorting this mess out. There is not going to be any bailing out. Kidsis is going to have to pay this money back and going to have to come up with some sort of way of deal with her shopping addiction. She is a student FFS. When I was a student I used to agonise over whether I could afford posh bread this week! and certainly didn’t buy any new clothes.